BOARD OF PEACE | NOT IRAN

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RUBIO: OYEZ OYEZ OYEZ I hereby call to order this meeting of the Board of Peace. 

Once again, the Chairman will not be joining us today - he’s having makeup applied to his rapidly deteriorating hands, and it’s a whole process. Although, I’m sure some of you will be relieved after last time’s meeting. Let’s just say, the man has the gift of grab.

I mean ‘gab,’ of course.

[long pause, audible sigh]

RUBIO: Look, we’re not going to do roll call today. It’s boring and I just - I’m sorry if I seem out of it - I didn’t have my cocaine this morning. Or I had too much cocaine - I can’t remember. There’s a cocaine imbalance. 

I’m kidding. I don't do drugs, and certainly not because everyone else in the West Wing is doing them.

Anyway, hang on - I have to take these goddamn oversized Florsheim shoes off. They’re killing my heels and they’re not even my color.

[squeaking noises - soles of shoes?]

RUBIO: There. Jesus. That’s better.

Okay, let’s look at the agenda for the meeting. I see we have important unfinished, uh… Gaza still needs some sort of hotel and resort infrastructure… and… Venezuela….

I’m sorry. My mind is kind of all over the place.

Hey listen. Since we’re all here, uh. Can I ask you guys something?

[Murmur of assent]

RUBIO: Okay look, so, I have this friend country… you guys probably wouldn’t know them, this country lives really far away. Anyway. I guess they had a really bad couple of weeks or something, but they, they, they made a mistake or two… and they got dragged into a war of choice that’s really messing things up for them and maybe also the rest of the world and, uh. 

These guys were asking me for my advice on how to get out of their little forever-war situation, and since America has never lost a war before, I thought maybe you guys have some thoughts about how to end the war without looking like we’re - they’re - giving up or anything.

[awkward break]

RUBIO: Don’t all jump in at once.

And by the way, before any of the dickheads in the back start questioning, let me just reiterate that I’m asking for a friend, okay? Nobody here knows them and it’s useless to guess who it is, so let’s not even waste any time trying.

Yes, Hungary, I see your hand up.

HUNGARY: Oh, no. I didn’t - my hand wasn’t raised.

RUBIO: Didn’t I see…? Your fingers were….

HUNGARY: No no no.

RUBIO: Okay well, but what do you think? Doesn’t Orban have an election coming up? Might be nice for Dear Leader to see you guys being helpful - he might be a little more inclined to “assist” with your campaign efforts, if you catch my meaning.

HUNGARY: I suppose it would be helpful to know more about the country, perhaps? It is difficult to prescribe a remedy when we don’t know more about the patient.

RUBIO: Someone’s a freaking physician all of the sudden.

Let’s just say it’s the second most powerful country in the world, with the second best economy, and the second best and brightest President. Is that enough information, you jackass?

Sorry. Sorry about the jackass thing. I really need help… for my friend.

ARGENTINA: Can you tell us more about the war and the circumstances?

RUBIO: Well, okay - say for instance that they kind of went in half-cocked.

TURKEY: Half-cock! This sounds most painful.

[grunts of confusion]

RUBIO: I forget, not everybody’s first language here is English.

Not ‘cock’ like - it means shooting from the hip. As in, to do something without a plan. One might say these guys had no idea what the hell they were getting themselves into, despite decades and decades of military planners giving grave warnings about doing exactly what they did. And they had a friend, an ally that these guys have been giving a shit-ton of weapons to for many years, and that friend decided to Leroy Jenkins their way into a mess.

And say that there was a certain someone on staff and he knew it was a bad idea and he thought about saying something - like, every day - but he decided to keep their mouth shut because people aren’t allowed to say that bad ideas are bad… at this second most powerful country in the world, and now everything is a mess. It’s just a freaking mess. And every time it feels like there’s a moment to step in and pull back from the insanity, before this staff member can say anything at all, the people around him shout “Double down! Double down!”

And so now, despite bombing the ever-loving hell out of this other country, my friend country already feels like they’re in a stalemate. Plus, they’re really worried about the security of a certain body of water….

UNITED ARAB EMIRATES: You’re talking about the Strait of Hormuz?

RUBIO: No. 

No, nothing like that. 

I mean yes, it’s a strait. But not that one. Completely different straits.

GARGAMEL: There’s only so many straits on earth. It’s not Gibraltar. It’s not Bering. It’s not the Bosporus…

RUBIO: Oh look everybody, Gargamel the penis-shaped Smurf hunter is a geography expert all of the sudden. Sit your ass down, Garg.

Look, I’m just looking for a little advice here. Doesn’t anyone here want to help me out?

SKELETOR: M’YAAAH!!

RUBIO: Aw thanks, buddy.

SAUDI ARABIA: Excuse me. Respectfully, has your friend thought about killing the leader of the offending country?

RUBIO: Of course, they thought about it. That’s literally the first thing they tried, but it only made their enemy SUPER PISSED.

QATAR: They’re pissed off?! Iran just blew up 17% of our oil capacity! Are you planning to pay us back for the losses?

RUBIO: Excuse me. We’re not talking about that right now. We’re talking about my friend.

QATAR: We’d very much like to talk about Iran.

UAE: Yes, actually, is there a plan for compensating us for the damage done by…

BAHRAIN: As long as we’re keeping tabs of losses…

RUBIO: Guys guys guys, there will be time to sidebar about that. I promise. I will make time for you. Provided I’m not suddenly pulled away by one of my five or six other jobs.

Although, as long as we’re sort of talking about it - if anyone has any ideas for how to get oil out of the Persian Gulf without shipping it by sea, would love to hear them.

WILE-E-COYOTE: Hot air balloon.

RUBIO: Uh. Great. Any…

WILE-E-COYOTE: Catapult. OR, put the oil barrels in a cannon and shoot it at Oman.

OMAN: Uhhhhhh.

RUBIO: Yeah, you know, I appreciate the enthusiasm…

WILE-E-COYOTE: Paint a cliff so that it looks like a tunnel and then drive a convoy of tanker trucks into the tunnel.

RUBIO: That’s a terrible idea. Won’t they just smash into the cliff and explode?

WILE-E-COYOTE: NO, because for SOME GODDAMN REASON whenever anybody other than me tries to go through the tunnel, it works like a real tunnel. It’s only a solid rock cliff whenever I try to chase after the speedy little motherfu-

RUBIO: Enough. Please.

NEW ZEALAND: Fellas, we feel very uncomfortable about all this. We shouldn’t make light of the situation. People have died. School children. Civilians. Dark clouds of pollution are choking cities of nine million people. Families are mourning soldiers. Rockets are raining fire down all across the Middle East. These are bleak times and they call for sober minds with the resolve to do what's right, not just for themselves but for the world.

RUBIO: I thought we got rid of you bleeding heart Kiwis. Get out of here. Go on.

NEW ZEALAND: Fine but can we get our parking validated this time? Last time we were here, the concierge took us out through the loading dock and then locked the door behind us.

RUBIO: Oh my God get OUT of here already, Jesus.

[scuffle of chair, door swinging open and shut]

RUBIO: This brings up a great point, though.

What if we all just kind of got in our battleships and escorted some oil tankers around for a couple of months? Doesn’t that sound fun? Kind of like a boat cruise in the Arabian Sea, all expenses paid unless someone gets sunk by a drone?

Who’s in? UK? France? Japan maybe?

KAZAKHSTAN: None of those countries are on the Board of Peace, Mister Secretary.

RUBIO: Who the hell are you?

KAZAKHSTAN: We are the delegation from Kazakhstan.

RUBIO: MY WIFE. 

[loud cackles]

RUBIO: Right? MY WIFE?

...from Borat?

KAZAKHSTAN: Yes, we know.

RUBIO: It sounds like you don’t know about Borat.

KAZAKHSTAN: We know Borat.

RUBIO: Don’t get all pissed off that nobody knows shit about Kazakistan or whatever.

KAZAKHSTAN: We’re not the ones asking for help against Iran.

RUBIO: You think I’m asking for help?! Are you joking with me right now?!

What the hell did I say? I'm asking for a friend!

I got news for you, Chachi: America is the strongest country in the world! We don’t need help from anybody! In fact, we've won that war already - it was a huge success - we obliterated them and are totally in the process of winning the war in the next two to fifty-two weeks and anybody who wants to get in on the action right now has the opportunity to win a set of steak knives. Any takers?

No?

Nobody?

[another awkward silence]

RUBIO: I tell you what, I am disappointed in you guys. For a group calling itself the Board of Peace, it sure seems like you guys don’t have much interest in making peace.

If I didn’t know better, I’d think you all were using this organization as a way to bribe us easier. 

You all better get your act together.

And don’t tell the Chairman about how I took my ugly-ass Florsheims off today, okay? JD’s found a way to keep the comically large clown shoes on his feet for hours at a time, and I don’t want to get knocked down a peg.

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