OUR BEST LITTLE BOY

Yes, the world is a messy place right now. Yes, peace seems further and further out of reach every day. Sure, of course it feels like everyone you meet is quietly choking, or withering, or rotting, or melting, or quietly losing their mind (or loudly losing it!). 

Yes yes yes, you are not crazy. Things are bad right now. But would it make you feel better to know?

Our Best Little Boy is on the case!

Kaloo kalay - our salvation is at hand!

Our Best Little Boy hails from the heartland - the middle of the middle of nowhere - the glorious, bountiful Elysian fields of… Ohio.

Ohio: cradle of presidents and football coaches and also serial killers and lunatics and genocidiers (Dahmer / Manson / Custer, etc.)

If you’re interested - and why wouldn’t you be??? - Our Best Little Boy wrote a best selling book about his upbringing there, which contains a good amount of schmaltz and sly manipulation and ‘social commentary’ and includes even some percentage of factual information about his life. Learn all about it! And by ‘it’ of course we mean ‘what he wants you to think is true about himself.’

If you don’t want to read, there’s an audio book and a major motion picture too.

He attended the Right Schools. He served with the Right Branch of the Armed Forces. He worked for the Right Capitalists. He’s in the Right Pockets of the Right Billionaires.

What’s that, you say? You’re skeptical that he has the necessary experience to do good? You ask if he has negotiation skills? You want to know what he’s ever actually accomplished ever? We hear you. But what if we listed some qualifications?

• He talks pretty - if you just don’t listen too hard to what he says.
• He’s held a series of jobs where the achievement is the title. He’s been Senator for a day, even.
• The worst people in the world keep talking about how smart he is.
• He operates without the encumbrance of shame.
• His smoky eyeliner lends a soupçon of soul where he might otherwise lack it.
• His business suit contains him, like a deli container of the most gelatinous of goos. See how his neck only just barely jiggles below his beardline but above his collar? That’s the sign of a good business suit container. 
• Also he’s a white man.

But he’s so much more! For Our Best Little Boy has earned daddy’s love. And also papa’s respect. And father’s tolerance. And yes, Our Best Little Boy has three different daddies - but they each love him and scar him and support him and use him in their own special ways.

He’s been designed and molded and constructed and trained specifically for this task: whatever the daddies want - to suck up and attack and to bear the shame and embarrassment of humiliating defeat when necessary. And if he does his daddies’ bidding well enough then who knows? Maybe one day Our Best Little Boy becomes Our Best Little Daddy Boy?

Imagine those suits: The Daddy Boy suits!

So: throw him in a plane and send Our Best Little Boy wherever you need him. 

Send him to “chase down” corruption! To shill for daddy’s friends! To terrorize Haitians/Somalis/Brown Folks! To antagonize the learned! To patronize the Pope! To solve for world peace! Whatever you need, our buddy, Our Best Little Boy, will try his gosh darned awful hardest. He’ll end your conflict. He’ll negotiate. He’ll get results. Unless, of course, talks take longer than 20 hours to do - Our Little Big Boy has soccer practice and a TPUSA rally to attend.

For he is our national fail-safe fail son, Our Best Little Boy - a tub of playdough brought to life by the magical powers of naked ambition. Blessed with a lack of spine, Our Best Little Boy can mold himself into whatever he needs to be, to serve whomever he needs to get the most amount of power. 

He is schroedinger’s politician - pro-war and anti-war. Pro-populism but anti-people. Pro-American but anti-Americans. Catholic but anti-christian (he has another book - a best seller aspirant - about just such a topic!)

For herein lies the genius of Our Best Little Boy. He’s a wind for all seasons, willing to blow wherever, whenever and whatever.

And he is everywhere. Everywhere. You cannot look anywhere without seeing his beard - note how it generates a semblance of a chin for him!  Spot him - over here, sitting at the big boy table telling Daddy how very daddy he is today. Over there, guest hosting a podcast, chuckling awkwardly at some horrendous thing he’s said before throwing out some disingenuous rhetorical nonsense to make it sound reasonable. And there he is on vacation at a busy tourist spot with his wife, who signed up for all of this, and his poor children, who haven’t - listen as Our Best Little Boy complains about how rude everyone is to him. He cannot imagine why!

Don’t you know who he is? Do you know who his daddies are? Did you even bother to say thank you, even once, for this miserable, pitiless world that we all must now inhabit, thanks to the daddies and, by extension, Our Best Little Boy?

He is our avatar, god forgive us all!

So send him forth, we say. Send him off to Iran, to Pakistan, to Budapest! Send him on a diplomatic mission to the farthest ends of the Earth! Hell, send him to Siberia - let them keep him for a bit!

May he do as much good there as he has done for the rest of us.

For he is Our Best Little Brightest Little Best Boy and don’t you feel better now knowing that he’s on the case?