THE BOARD OF PEACE | GAZA

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RUBIO: OYEZ OYEZ OYEZ I hereby call to order this meeting of the Board of Peace. On behalf of our glorious leader, the Chairman of the Board, allow me to welcome each and every one of you to this, a ballroom at the beautiful Trump National Golf Course Los Angeles in scenic Palos Verdes, where memberships are on sale at a slight discount to any world leaders who are interested in top-of-the-line amenities and the ultimate golfing experience. 

Let us all now give our Chairman a mandatory rapturous round of applause.

[The assembled give rapturous applause]

RUBIO: Excellent. Very rapturous. He would have loved hearing it. Sadly, the Chairman is unable to attend today. I know this must be very disappointing to those of you who paid billions of American dollars to a Qatari bank account to be here. Unfortunately, Our Dear Leader has a very important cognitive test in the morning - crucial for our international security - and he needs the night to cram. Also there may be some light ‘Truth’ing about windmills, Jack Smith, Rosy O’Donnel and possibly some new lawsuit or war.

Although, his absence may turn out to be a good thing. Lord knows, the man can talk and talk and talk. For all we know, he might still be talking at Davos.

Kidding, of course. The Chairman is a genius and also very stable. Very very stable.

Anyway, instead of our fearless leader, it is my honor - me, Marco Rubio, Secretary of State and also head of USAID and NARA and I think I might be responsible for the White House food court - to commence today’s meeting. Hold for optional but much anticipated applause.

[Crickets. A cough. Someone loudly scratches their crotch.]

RUBIO: Thank you. Please - you’re embarrassing me. Seriously: I am constantly embarrassed.

And now, if there are no objections, I’d like to take roll call. 

Allow me to put on my reading glasses and peruse this list. When you hear your name called, please respond with the word ‘present.’

Turkey, Mr. Erdogan?

TURKEY: Present.

RUBIO: Egypt, Mr. el-Sisi?

EGYPT: Present.

RUBIO: Qatar - I know you’re here. I saw you guys with the white and then the black headband thingies. How about Mohammad Bin-Salman? Saudis? Where you at?

SAUDI ARABIA: Present.

RUBIO: Yeah you are, and I see you have that bone-saw too! Nice.

How about Argentina? Milei? You got your chainsaw?

ARGENTINA: Rock and roll!

[Delegate from Argentina revs his chainsaw]

RUBIO: We got our prop comics out in full force today. I hope you took the chain off, you crazy S.O.B. 

That $20 billion dollar lifeline we gave you? So worth it.

Orban from Hungary, Lukashenko from Belarus - hey, what gives with Vladimir Putin? Is he done studying our offer yet, or what? We need him on this board.

HUNGARY: I don’t know haha.

[Delegate from Belarus laughs awkwardly and shrugs.]

RUBIO: We’re all laughing, but seriously. The Chairman loves Russia. Loves them. Like, LOVE loves them. So, talk to your man for us, would you please?

As for the rest of the nations on this list… I’m seeing a bunch of rinky dink countries. I’m not going to go through all of these. No offense to your “rinky bois” out there - I’m sure you’re all big deals in your home countries - but I have five other jobs and need to power through here.

Who else? Let me see, let me see. 

How about the delegate from Snake Mountain? Mr. Skeletor? Present or no?

SKELETOR: M’YAAAH!!

RUBIO: That’s exciting! We have a bonafide movie star in our midst, folks. I’m looking forward to Masters of the Universe - hope you guys didn’t go too woke with the pronouns. It’s He-Man not They/Them-Man.

[Mr. Rubio gags. He needs a moment to recover.]

RUBIO: Sorry. Excuse me. Sometimes you hear yourself say some of these things and… give me a second to just cram the part of me that feels shame back into the ol’ psychological burlap sack.

[Mr. Rubio slaps the side of his head repeatedly.]

RUBIO: No! NO! You get back in there! You go back!

[The assembled share concerned looks. Delegate from Snake Mountain awkwardly adjusts his purple loin cloth]

[Mr. Rubio takes a sip of water.]

RUBIO: Hey: how about Gargamel? Did that fool make it? Gargamel? I know it was probably a tough journey, what with the Smurfs and with all of your usual bungling hijinks.

GARGAMEL: I’m not a fool. That hurts my feelings.

RUBIO: How about Azeal, your cat? Did you bring him or did you leave him behind?

[Delegate from Le Pays Maudit mews.]

RUBIO: I don’t trust that cat.

The lady from Power Rangers? Rita Repulsa? Is she here?

RITA REPULSA: It’s time to conquer Earth!

[Delegate from the Space Dumpster does signature shrill laugh]

RUBIO: No, Rita. Not right now. World conquest is an agenda for a later Board of Peace meeting. Sorry, everybody. We had to take her because we couldn’t afford Lord Zedd’s quote. 

Aaaaand let’s see… The delegate from McDonaldland? Hamburglar?

MCDONALDLAND: Robble robble.

RUBIO: Back at’cha, buddy. Okay. That’s probably enough roll call. Let’s get to the business at hand…

[Delegate from New Zealand raises their hand]

RUBIO: You are…?

NEW ZEALAND: New Zealand. So sorry. We think there’s been some mistake. We’re not supposed to be here. We may have misunderstood the evite event page or something. We thought this was about peace, but you’re all…

RUBIO: “You’re all…” what?

[Delegate from New Zealand looks around the room, regards the foreign luminaries and beloved entertainers from popular children's television shows and fast food restaurants of the 80's and 90's.]

NEW ZEALAND: If we can just get our parking validated, we’ll be on our way.

[Mr. Rubio waves for hotel concierge to assist]

RUBIO: What a bunch of dorks.

By the way, commemorative Board of Peace hats and sweaters are on sale in the lobby of the Trump National Golf Course Los Angeles - nothing says “eat shit, I’m a good guy now” quite like an official Board of Peace trucker hat. As you can see, Stephen Miller is wearing his and he looks quite snappy.

[Mr. Miller looks up from eating a live rat in a dark corner of the room. His eyes are completely black.]

RUBIO: Now to the matter at hand. The subject of today’s gathering is the Gaza Situation. As you all know, there has been a situation, and it has been happening in Gaza. As members of the Board of Peace, it is our job - nay, our duty - to make sure there’s peace there.

[The assembled break into loud laughter]

[The laughter lasts for a while]

[It’s actually a bit disconcerting how long this laughter is going on.]

RUBIO: Hoooo! Hooooo! Lordie! I’m laughing so hard - I’m worried I’m gonna end up like one of those weasels from Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Remember that one? They laughed so hard that they died and became angels?

Speaking of, Judge Doom is on the Board but couldn’t make it today - he’s in court.

Seriously, though, our main topic: Dear Leader’s birthday is coming up in June and we thought it might be a good time to start planning. As I’m sure you know, the Chairman will be “Biden minus four” years old, which is a big milestone.

Does anyone have any ideas? He really responded to that AI slop video of the redeveloped Gaza - maybe we do a little of that? Get him a big, golden statue of himself? What do we think?

SKELETOR: M’YAAAH!!

RUBIO: That’s the kind of enthusiasm we’re looking for here at the Board of Peace!

[Delegate from Israel stands.]

ISRAEL: Actually, can we talk about Gaza…?

RUBIO: Oh calm down, Bibi. You’re going to get whatever you want. You already know this. Look around. Look at who’s here in this room. Do you see any Palestinians? No. Chill out.

You know what? This is exhausting, and I have eight other jobs to do this morning. Let’s adjourn the meeting until this afternoon. I'm going to recommend that you all take advantage of the the sauna, one of the world class amenities on offer here at the Trump National Golf Course Los Angeles, but before I do that here are a couple of announcements:

First: Due to some holdouts and possibly a couple of lost invitations, we are still on the lookout for more members. Any recommendations would be much appreciated. Really, anybody who you think might send a billion US dollars to a Qatari bank for access to the Chairman of the Board will do. And we want real strong Peace daddies too. Like Thanos. That's a good idea, actually. I'll write that down: Thanos.

And before you suggest those jackasses from SPECTRE, just know that we’ve already asked them so stop putting their names forward.

Of course, any member recommendations that you make who end up joining will increase your prestige here at the Board, which will provide you with extra perks, and before you accuse us of running a pyramid scheme, I'd like to remind you to shut the hell up.

Second and speaking of perks: for those of you enjoying the Board of Peace, just know that we’re rolling out another level above the top level - the Board of Peace Platinum Executive Level Board of Peace, which has all of the benefits of the Board of Peace but also MORE.

And I’m looking at this sheet of paper for more information on the added benefits and I’m not seeing anything other than the word “More” so, uh, maybe there will be more details at a later date.

Third: don’t forget about those hats, t-shirts, ties, lapel pins and banana hammocks on sale in the lobby. Nothing says “actually, we’re the good guys now” quite like a commemorative coffee cup that says “Bored - of Peace.”

Finally, don’t forget to save your stamina for “Peace Board-a-palooza” tonight, which for those of you who are unfamiliar is an Eyes Wide Shut-style orgy. Because of course. Everyone’s going to be there. Right, Skeletor?

[Delegate from Snake Mountain awkwardly adjusts his purple loin cloth again.]

RUBIO: Suck on that, United Nations Security Council.

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