THE GOSPEL OF TRAVIS - Chapter Twelve

LAZARUS LAID TO REST
As Jesus and the Apostles sat sharing a meal, and as Travis sat not far off enjoying his fish jerky, a young man arrived at their camp. He claimed to have a message for the rabbi, sent by Mary Magdalene and her sister, Martha.

“Sounds like someone’s been possessed by another demon,” quipped Travis. “There’s a new one each month, I’m sure. Come quick! The teacher must save her from herself yet again!”

“Actually,” said the young man, “they bade me come and tell the Lord that their brother Lazarus has died.”

The Apostles were shocked, though not too shocked to cast unappreciative glowers towards Travis. However, the teacher was very fond of Lazarus, so when Jesus learned that he had passed, he said to them, “Our friend Lazarus is asleep, but I am going to awaken him.”

Travis snorted. “I think you misheard or else maybe we’ve been out in the sun too long. They said that he’s dead, not asleep. He needs a dirge, not a crowing cock.”

“You’re a crowing cock,” remarked Judas. Many of the Apostles chuckled, for they had yet to learn how to properly appreciate Travis’s running commentary.

Jesus said to Travis, as clearly as he could, “Lazarus has died. And I am glad for you that I was not there, that you may believe. Let us go to him.”

“Are you sure?” asked Travis. “Last time you were in that part of Judaea, didn’t the locals threaten to stone us?”

Thomas put his hand on Travis’s shoulder to stop him talking. “Wherever you bid us to go we shall follow, Oh Lord.”

JESUS CALLS LAZARUS FORTH
When Jesus arrived at their home, he found that Lazarus had been in his tomb already for four days. Martha came out to greet him, saying “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died. But even now I know that whatever you ask of God, God will give you.” To this, Jesus said, “Your brother will rise.”

Travis turned to Thomas. “What a waste of time. If he’s been dead four days, as they claim, then there’s nothing anyone can do for him. Could he even wash away the stench, assuming the impossible and he rises? That’s four days of decomposition. He’s going to smell like sun-baked mutton for the rest of eternity. Would Lazarus even want to live under such conditions?”

“Can I talk to you quickly?” asked Thomas. He led his cousin around the side of Mary’s dwelling away from the rest of the Apostles. “What has happened to you that you talk so incessantly and with such disdain? It feels like everything we say or do earns some cynical quip from you.”

“I call it like I see it,” remarked Travis. “If you didn’t want such honesty, you should not have invited me to join the Apostles.”

“I did not invite you. Nobody invited you. You were the opposite of invited. And you are not an Apostle.”

“Harsh, cousin. Now who’s throwing cutting quips?”

“Please,” begged Thomas. “As my kinsman, I am asking you: Take the rest of the day off from bickering and be respectful of poor old Lazarus. You’re embarrassing yourself and the rest of us.”

Thomas and Travis accompanied the others as Martha led Jesus to the tomb. There they were joined by Mary. She greeted the twelve original Apostles, though Travis ducked behind a cedar tree before she could have a chance to see he was among the crowd who had gathered. The two had a history. Namely, Mary disliked him greatly and Travis returned the favor, although not without some odd stirring in his loins whenever he sensed her disdain for him.

Travis felt great shame about this stirring, however since shame also caused another similar stirring the shamefulness only served to stir the stirring even harder.

Jesus commanded them to move aside the stone that covered the tomb’s entry. Martha said, “Lord, by now there will be a stench; he has been dead for four days.”

“Just as I said. That will clear out the crowds...” muttered Travis, although he stopped his quipping once he caught Thomas glaring at him.

To Martha, Jesus said, “I am the resurrection and the life; whoever believes in me, even if he dies, will live, and everyone who lives and believes in me will never die.”

Then he turned to the tomb and in a loud voice said, “Lazarus, come out!”

And to the surprise of everyone, the dead man left the tomb, still wrapped in all of his burial cloths!

Travis snuck closer and lo, Lazarus did not smell of rotten mutton but of a normal Lazarus. He could hardly believe his nose.

“Rejoice! For my brother has returned from- wait, what is Travis doing here?” remarked Mary with great annoyance. “Surely I thought he would have grown to miss his luxurious bed by now. I don’t want that man anywhere near my house.”

A MERCHANT PETITIONS TRAVIS
After the miracle had finished, Travis walked with the disciples back to the place where they were all staying. Again, Travis hung back from the other Apostles because he had yet to figure out what to do with this camel loaded down with baubles.

As they travelled, Travis’s friend the wine merchant hobbled up to him. While he had followed from afar the news of Jesus since hearing the sermon in the hills, he was inspired by tales of his miracles and came to seek the Lord’s blessing.

“Is it true what they say,” asked the wine merchant of Travis, “that Jesus can raise even the dead from their eternal slumber?”

“Many of us witnessed it with our own eyes,” replied Travis with some pride. “It will forever be a thing that I saw and that others did not.”

The wine merchant nodded and thought. Then he said, “I still have this terrible gout. It has severely limited my ability to walk, as well as to perform a number of other physical activities that I rarely ever do, but would like to be able to do if the occasion arises, if you get my meaning.”

“I’m not sure I do,” said Travis.

“Intercourse,” he clarified rather loudly. “Of the sexual type. When I say ‘arises,’ what I mean is-”

“Yes, no need to finish that thought. I understand now.” Travis looked about, discomfited. “But I’m not sure I’m the one to talk to about this...”

“I need relief. From the gout.”

“My medical abilities are too poor to help you, I’m afraid, as I have yet to be blessed with my healing powers. And I’ve been instructed not to sell my special oils. Maybe talk to one of the Jameses.”

“But the Lord Jesus - surely if he can raise the dead then he can wipe away a little bit of gout. If you could just introduce me, I could reward you handsomely.”

Travis halted his camel and turned his full attention to the wine merchant. “Handsomely, you say?”

THE LORD HEALS ANOTHER BLIND MAN
Jesus and his followers came into a village, where they found a man blind from birth resting in a hut. A large throng of disciples gathered around the hut, much to the distress of the neighborhood for the sheer number of people made getting in and out of their homes quite irritatingly difficult.

“Rabbi,” asked Simon who was also often called Peter too for it was his nickname, “who sinned that this man was born blind? He or his parents?”

Jesus answered, “Neither he nor his parents sinned; it is so that the works of God might be made visible through him.” He spat on the ground, took the mud and smeared it into the man’s eyes. Which at first was quite off-putting to the blind man, until the Lord said, “Go and wash your eyes.”

After the blind man left and while they waited for his return, a hole suddenly burst open in the roof of the hut.

Travis set aside his pickaxe and began lowering the wine merchant into the hut from above using some rope, thus bypassing the large crowd who had gathered outside.

“Oh glorious rabbi!” cried out the wine merchant as he slowly dropped from the ceiling. “Hail to you, great healer! I have been having a bit of trouble with my big toe. It seems like I have the dreaded gout, a disease which came to me innocently and not at all through satisfying my excessive, gluttonous appetites. Anyway, I was hoping maybe you could just wave your hand and, poof, clear that up for me.

“Also, could someone help me remove all of these ropes?”

Meanwhile, the blind man groped his way through the crowds, located a pool of water and, washing the mud away, found himself suddenly able to see!

Astounded by the miracle, he hurried back towards his home, only to find a massive hole in his roof and a rich old man getting his foot tended to in his own bed.

“Who will pay to fix my roof?” cried out the formerly blind man, who could hardly enjoy even just one moment of sightfulness before having some new disaster befall him.

TRAVIS RECEIVES HIS REWARD
“How does your foot feel?” asked Travis of the wine merchant.

“I have the toes of a much younger man,” exclaimed the old man, wiggling them like a child for all to see. Travis smiled, for he knew that he had stumbled upon a new way to expand the Lord’s influence and Travis’s treasure: by selling access.

“As promised, here is your helpers fee,” said the wine merchant. He held out a purse for Travis, however before he could snatch it, Judas had taken the purse.

“Another donation to the poor, eh Travis?” said Judas.

“Return that purse to its rightful owner,” growled Travis. “Me!”

“Whatever happened to your business, Travis? Whatever happened to selling your possessions and following the Lord? You dare to pass yourself off as some sort of thirteenth Apostle and yet you won’t sacrifice like those of us whom you claim as your brethren?”

Judas’s interrogation was so pointed that Travis had no immediate answer. And so Judas turned, purse in hand, and went to be with the other Apostles.

“Wow,” said the wine merchant. “That guy really hates you.”

“He’s a jackal,” said Travis. “I don’t trust him.”

“I can’t pay you any more money,” said the merchant. “But I can get you drunk.”

TWO MASTERS
That night, after downing a fair few cups of strong wine, Travis stormed up to the campfire where the Apostles were sitting with Jesus. Thomas saw his cousin’s approach and tried to pull the drunkard aside before he might make a fool of himself, but Travis shook him off and bullied his way past.

“I just thought all of you should know that there’s a viper in your midst,” he announced before shakily pointing his finger at Judas. “That man, if you can call him a man, took what was rightfully mine...”

“...and gave it to the man whose roof you destroyed this morning,” replied Judas.

“It was not yours to give! You don’t understand! I have plans for that money! I’m building something that will help the Word of God spread to the four corners of the earth!

“You don’t feel that God wills where His word spreads?” asked Zebediah.

“Travis,” said Thomas with as much kindness as he could muster, “perhaps you should sleep this off.”

“Don’t touch me, Thomas! I don’t care if I embarrass you, no not a bit. You all may look down upon me, but I have a vision! And yes, money is part of that, but don’t you understand that it’s a tool...?”

Jesus gently interrupted Travis when he said, “No one can serve two masters. He will either hate one and love the other, or be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon.”

Travis blinked, then opened his mouth to argue but no words came out. Instead, he felt a great churning inside, no doubt the effects of the wine, so he retreated behind a small bush to empty his stomach.

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