THE GOSPEL OF TRAVIS - Chapter Twenty

THE MINISTRY IN TIBERIAS
With time, the pews of the Megagog began to fill with followers of the Lord, each impressed with the power of what Travis had to share about the life of Jesus. Some, like the wine merchant and the frankincense merchant, had known Travis from his disciple days and remained smitten with his approach to evangelism, but he drew in many others, as gnats often congregate around rotting fruit.

Travis stood before them upon a platform, the Lord’s funerary pillow held high above his head, and proclaimed the good news of their salvation.

“Say that you love Jesus. Simply say these words and all of your sins will be forgiven and all of your needs will be fulfilled. For God is mighty. There is no boat He cannot buy for you, no mansion He cannot construct, no fortune we can conceive of that He cannot assemble for your enjoyment.”

As he spoke these words he felt the power of conviction coursing through his body, as like a flood of inspired drainage water flowing through the gutters of his mind and out the spout of his mouth onto the faithful before him. The power intoxicated him. In those moments, he imagined that he felt precisely what Jesus himself must have experienced.

“The highest good is love, meaning to love our God and to love others. But as we know, we cannot love others if we do not love ourselves. Therefore, love yourself first and foremost, in private and in public, and let what love remains sprinkle upon the faces of whosoever remains.”

His message began to spread among the supremely wealthy and the mildly wealthy alike, as well as among those who wanted more than anything to be wealthy. And though his flock remained somewhat small compared to the thriving communities in Jerusalem and elsewhere, Travis was proud to think that each one of his followers was worth at least seven of any other believers. And still, the tithes were enough for Travis to begin expanding his ministry.

“Oh Father in heaven, you are our father! Lift us up into your arms! Tickle our chins! Burp us that we may be free of the sin of flatulence! Discipline us when we have been naughty! Tweak us in all of the places where we like to be tweaked and then, when we are tired from playing and our titillations fade into dead-eyed drowsiness, lay us down that we may nap in your bosom! Metaphorically speaking. Amen.”

“Amen,” said his flock, for though many might not have entirely understood Travis’s meaning they could at least respect his fervor.

GREAT DEEDS
As his coffers grew fuller, Travis’s ambitions grew fuller as well. At every gathering for worship, Travis passed around a plate to collect funds he promised to send to Jerusalem to help the ever-needy communities there. As Travis so often reminded his flock, the followers of the other Apostles had chosen to live as a commune, composed entirely of idlers, layabouts and ne'er-do-wells, and so must necessarily rely on the pity and the charity of the good, faithful and industrious believers to keep them from starving.

And while he waited for the proper time to send forth the charity money, those funds stayed, along with the proceeds gained from sales of his heavenly villas and his Jesus branded merchandise, in a bank account that accrued for Travis a modest interest. With no Judas to meddle with his plans, Travis accrued a hefty sum. As a result, while the original funds remained safe, Travis was able to devote the extra denarii to certain projects that would increase his ministry’s reach, with the added side benefit of increasing his own comfort. For though his own advancement was the furthest thing from his mind, should not the servants of the Lord benefit from the fruits of the servant’s own servants’ labors?

With this extra money he funded the construction of a new home for himself, which he used to entertain the local elite. In this manner he kept his church in the good graces of those in power and influenced their decision-making whenever the opportunity presented itself. His efforts proved so successful that Travis built an extra mansion, so as to have one for entertainment and one for rest.

He also funded the creation of a carriage, made of alabaster and other exotic and expensive materials, which he used to travel around Tiberias and the surrounding villas. In this manner he advertised the glory and the splendor of God to his neighbors.

And he remarried a young woman from his flock and funded a massive, expensive wedding to celebrate their love. In this manner he proved that the disdain of his ex-wives and his mother had been an aberration, not some reflection of a deeper lacking or shallowness or inadequacy inside of Travis. Surely if he was to succeed then all must know that he was in fact great with women.

The wedding festivities consumed the attention of Tiberian society and increased the prestige of his Megagog so much that Travis decided to do it all over again with a second wife. This also necessarily meant an additional mansion for his new family. Though by this time polygamy had gone a bit out of fashion, still Travis worried not in the least. For though Jesus had always said that marriage was between a man and a woman, or so Travis had heard from others as he was not physically there when the Lord had said so, the Son of Man had not specified the number of women a man could marry. And besides, were not the scriptures filled with instances of patriarchs in possession of multiple wives?

Thus did Travis prove the rightfulness of his actions in taking a second wife, which in turn made taking his third and fourth wives that much easier.

AN EDUCATION
Around this time, Travis received an enlightened idea from the Lord that he should begin training others in the ways of Jesus, as interpreted by Travis. And so, he purchased a nearby orphanage, which he then razed to the ground so that he could construct a brand new, gleaming white center for learning.

And so, devoted servants gathered at the foot of Travis to learn the ways of Lord Jesus, many of us spending our entire family inheritances and taking out expansive loans at less-than reasonable interest rates to finance our educations.
Here we learned about the truth and power of Jesus’s words, the importance of complete devotion, and the evils of many groups of people, including the sodomites.

“Can we know for sure that Jesus said we should hate sodomites?” asked one of the students. “Did you ever hear him specifically say to hate these people?”

“I never heard him say these words specifically,” admitted Travis, for he claimed to be fair in all things and so had to confess the facts of the matter, “but I know Jesus said that marriage is only between a man and a woman. Therefore, we can surmise that men may not love men and women may not love women. Thus it is that we know our God will punish all sodomites in the eternal fires of damnation.”

“I thought you said that passage was about polygamy,” remarked the student. “Was it at the second or maybe the third wedding? You mentioned it as part of your wedding toast, I believe.”

A second student piped up, “Actually, my aunt was in the crowd among the disciples when Jesus said these words originally. He was quoting other scriptures. Apparently the Lord was talking about how divorce is bad.”

“Divorce is not bad,” chided Travis. “I’ve been divorced multiple times and I will be going to heaven to be seated at the right hand of the right hand of the Father. So, not possible. Besides, are we to trust the words of someone’s aunt? We know that women are lesser than men and not to be trusted.”

“I’m almost certain Jesus said divorce is bad,” muttered the second student.

“Why can’t we trust his aunt? Didn’t Jesus have women around him all the time?” asked the first student. “Oh teacher, did you not know Mary, the one from Magdala? She seemed pretty popular with the Apostles. How can women be lesser than men when the Lord himself treated them with such respect?”

At this, Travis felt the need to regain control over the class. And so he excommunicated the two offending students and kicked them out onto the streets to keep company with the crowds of displaced orphans.

LOVE ONE ANOTHER, MOSTLY
Not long after, Travis gathered his flock to him in the Megagog and, raising the Lord’s funerary pillow high above his head, began to speak.

“The Lord Jesus, the Son of Man, commands us to love. Love God, love yourself, love your family and then love your neighbors if you have time. If you see a stranger before you and if you have any love left then you can give remaining love to that person too, for though the love of God is infinite indeed a mortal’s life is not, therefore our love may have limits. But so it is that we say we are called by God to love everyone.

“Of course, Samaritans do not apply. As we know, Samaritans are despised by God. They are hardly people. Some would say Samaritans have more in common with animals than with you or me, and the world may be a better place if they were sent away.

“And so we say we are called to love everyone, except Samaritans.

“Also, as I’ve expressed many times, sodomites are an abomination before the eyes of the Lord. The only way to show love to a sodomite is not to love them, even and especially if that sodomite is a blood relative, so that we may encourage righteous behavior through our loving nastiness. Love them by not loving them, if that makes sense.

“And so we are called to love everyone, except Samaritans and sodomites.

”Women are sort of a hit or miss prospect, because some are faithful and obedient while others have thoughts and ideas. These unfaithful women are to be rejected and reviled.

“And so we are called to love everyone, except Samaritans and sodomites and certain women.

“Also, anyone who has ever terminated a pregnancy. Or who disagrees with me specifically. And anyone who follows Peter or the other Apostles.

“But apart from those people whom I have named, specifically the Samaritans and the Sodomites and most women generally and abortionists and any follower of Jesus who does not follow me and also any foreigners that you don’t recognize, we are called to love everyone.“

Travis lowered the funerary pillow for a moment, before raising it again. “Except also for Enoch the sculptor, who refuses to drop his frivolous lawsuit against me for nonpayment of funds. You might even be forgiven your sins if you were to rough him up a little bit for me. Not that you have to do this, but if you did there might be some extra salvation in it for you.”

The crowd knew that every word Travis had said was right and good, and blessed his offering plate with more of their tithes.

Travis finished the day’s ceremony. His followers opened the Megagog doors to go spread the good news out onto the streets. But before they could leave, the faithful heard a chorus of croaking that came from beyond the portal.

And as they swung open the great oak doors, a massive horde of slimy frogs spilled from those same streets into the hall.